Daddy
That's what I used to call him. Now it's just Mr.L.... I held him on a pedestal until I was about 16. Then some off hand comment he made to me over the phone, put our whole relationship into perspective.
My father was a summa time daddy. Summa tha time he was around, summa tha time he wasn't. I remember sitting by the window, watching the cars come and go, waiting for daddy. Daddy said he was coming to get me for the weekend. Sun up, sun down, no daddy. I remember him not showing up a lot. I remember him inadvertently hurting my feelings by saying things like "how come every time I pick you up you get a headache?" (a symptom of motion sickness I would get in his car, which I tried to hide.)
Growing up I always tried to please him whenever he actually made it around. I always felt like he liked my older brother better (my older brother is 7mo. older than me, diff. mother. younger sister 6 years younger than me, from his wife.) I always felt like an outsider in his house, a guest.
At 16, I stopped speaking to him and ignored his existence for about 6 years. As an adult, I decided to try and take the high road and make amends. We speak, but he still resents the fact that I stopped speaking to him for such a long time. He's an old fashioned Latino man who believes it's his children’s jobs to seek him.
I have a daughter now and he has said on more than one occasion that he would come by and visit us...I always laugh, he still hasn't come in the 3 years since I moved out of town. He hasn't changed. He's had a negative effect on my development as a woman. One I'm still trying to shake. I believe I would have been better off without his "appearances" in my life. He has caused more pain in my life than anything else.
My relationship with my father was and still is strained.

Outlet

What do you do when there is no outlet?
When your mind, body and soul are raging against you, where do you turn? Where do you go when there is no one and the anger keeps you from feeling His presence? What do you do when you cant control the outcome and you feel like that is the only thing you need to keep going? What do you do when you want to scream and kick and shout, but you cant afford to lose your composure? I need an outlet. Im tired of crying, Ive already filled too many rivers. My soul yearns for a deeper understanding of this time and space. Every time I look back, I see Ive covered more ground, accomplished more but something is not there. I wont find it back there. Stop looking back. Stop looking back. Theres nothing you need back there thats why its behind you.